Racing in the Rain

“That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”

– Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain


Now that I’ve had some Time

After a pretty crazy week, I now finally have the time to sit back and look back on it all. Not only did I graduate from Rutgers on Sunday, but the commencement speaker was one of my childhood idols: Bill Nye the Science Guy. Even though I didn’t major in science during college he was still an inspiration to me to keep going in education. He’s probably one of the few people that have inspired me (other than my mom) to continue with my education.

But I’m not going to sit here talking about wonderful Bill Nye is (those bow ties are on point though). I’m going to talk about finally being a college graduate. In the 5 long years (I took a year off in there for tech school) since I graduated high school, I finally completed a B.A. in Psychology.

It was most definitely a bumpy road. The first semester I got to Rutgers my GPA dropped to below a 2 and it was devastating (some people *cough**cough* some people know who he is) thought I was never going to finish college. They said I was going to drop out. Well, clearly I proved them all wrong. The next semester I picked up my GPA and the fall of my junior year I even made it to deans list (which I got on two more times in my college career).

I may not have graduated cum laude, but I still did it and now I’m accepted to grad school (Boyah haters).

You may recall a post I had a while ago about what I learned in college. But there was one major thing I missed in that list. The most important thing I learned in college is to believe in myself and to live for myself. That’s what I did my senior year. For the first time in a while I spent the year thinking about me.

Of course there were some lows (being single sucks in college) but I made it through. And my senior year was my best yet, even though there was plenty of drama involved (exes aren’t fun either). But this year I did the best ever in my classes and chose to minor in English. AND I started on a new book in over two years that I’m actually proud of writing.

And how did I do all this? I believed in myself. I forgot what everyone else said and I just did what I wanted to do. I had a push along the way in the form of my Little in my Fraternity, who can be a royal pain in my ass sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. He pushed me when I needed it and helped me to have my best year yet.

I don’t really know where I was going with this post, but nonetheless there are some lessons in these words. If you need some more inspiration on how to, dare I say it, change the world I recommend you watch Bill Nye’s commencement address to Rutgers. It’s a little sciency but it’ll bring on some nostalgia.



He’s standing there
Across the room
He catches my eye
They linger a little too long
And I glance away when
He looks my way
There’s no way anything
Could ever happen
He’s out of my league
He’s in the pros
While I’m a measly amateur
But I have so much experience
That he has no idea I have
But when he says my name
Butterflies flurry deep
In my stomach
Fantasies start to form
My mind goes wild
Hoping, praying that maybe
Just maybe he’ll notice me
For more than a floozy
That word doesn’t
Even describe me
But when he looks at
Someone like me that
Must be what he thinks
I’m nowhere near something
That he could even want
I could never meet
Those expectations he has
But then he says my name again
And there’s an edge to it
Like he wants to make
Sure I notice the change
In his sultry tone
But that must be all in my head
There’s no way that’s
What he is thinking
His eyes glance at me
I see them through my
Peripheral vision
I’m good at sneaking glances
So he never knows
That I’m even looking
There’s another glance
It has to all be in my head
I’m exaggerating everything
It could never be
He’s out of my league.


Ignorance is Not Bliss

Have you ever met a person who just never listened to a word you said? Well I’ve gotten that a lot lately. The sad part is it’s from one person I spent so much time on.

There’s a weird thing that goes on inside of you when you realize that people don’t care about what you are saying to them. It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other in a matter of seconds. But what’s worse is when you try to so hard to try to help them out and they never take any of the advice that you give them.

There comes a point where you just give up trying. But after you give up trying there comes a moment of relief that they’re out of your life. Then you see them again and you start to get angry at everything they do.

That’s happened to me recently. Now I get annoyed at everything this person does because I tried to hard to help him out in life and he never took an ounce of advice. He’s ignorant to everything. And for me, it’s not blissful at all.

It’s actually really annoying.

Every time I see him there’s an anger that rushes through me because he doesn’t have that full time job he’s been claiming to get for ages, but still keeps packing on the part time jobs. I tried to help with that, but I guess my advice didn’t work.

At least now I’ve learned to only give advice to the people that are going to listen to me. That’s not a lot of people either. It’s a very short list and I like to keep it that way.

I’m done wasting my time on people that don’t care about what I have to say. I now know that if someone doesn’t take to heart what I say, and forget what I said after two days, to let go of them.

Because, let’s be honest, I’m the most important person in my life. Just like you are the most important person in your life. If people don’t take to hear that I have my own life to live with my own priorities that may not always include you then I’m just going to let go and say goodbye.

I’ve learned to always put myself first and stop trying to make everyone happy because it just makes me miserable. So that’s what I’m doing, that’s why I’m happy and writing again. I don’t have stress hanging over me about people that don’t really care about me.

I have one life to live and I’m going to make the most out of it.


What I’ve Learned in College

College is a time for learning. Right? Well I learned a lot, forgot a lot, and still don’t know what I really learned. Even if I don’t remember anything from that Cultural Anthropology class I took three years ago, there’s still something I must’ve learned during college (with all the money I spent on this degree I would hope I learned something).

So I decided to make a short list on what I’ve learned these past few years:

  1. How to write a paper in less then five hours.
  2. How to get to class in less then ten minutes
  3. How to shower in less then ten minutes then subsequently dry your hair in less then five minutes.
  4. How to bus surf
  5. How to get on a crammed bus that you thought you couldn’t fit on
  6. When the opportune time is to get food from take out.
  7. How to take a nap in any position at any time of the day (sleep is for the weak)
  8. How to live off coffee.
  9. How to survive on mealswipes
  10. How to not sleep through a fire alarm

I would say that what I learned in college is pretty important, especially how to live off coffee. I’m sure I learned something from my plethora of psychology classes that I had to take. But I think the lessons you learn outside of the classroom are more important then the facts you have to learn in large lectures. Sure, lectures get you grades but they don’t tell you how you’re going to run your life.

Even if you forget everything you learned in the classroom, you’ll have some helpful life skills that will last long after you graduate


Nightly Disappointment

Every night I fall asleep
Wishing for the same thing,
Hoping for a night that’s peaceful
Every night I’m disappointed.

As my eyes close I banish
The thoughts that have filled
My mind during the long, stressful day
Every night I’m disappointed.

My body always finds a way to
Fall into the deepest slumber while
My mind runs a marathon
Every night I’m disappointed.

Images fill my restless mind
Teasing me but maybe this will be
The night the dreams conquer
Every night I’m disappointed.

Not tonight. It starts as a dream
But something happens, some twist,
Some turn down the strange road
Every night I’m disappointed.

Nightmares take over my sleepy mind
Holding the pleasant thoughts captive
To torture me into deep exhaustion
And as I wake, I’m disappointed.

Muses, Quotes

Embracing Your Inner Writer

Everyone has used the excuse “I don’t have time” at some point in their lives. And if you haven’t you’re lying. Whether it was making plans with a friend or even, well, let’s say writing. There might be the rare few out there that have their lives so figured out they that have time for everything. I’m sorry to say that I doubt many of us have that luxury.

I, for one, have been trying to figure my life out so I do have time for all the things I want to do. It’s not as easy as it sounds. As a struggling college student (soon to be gradate) I’m in that group of people that really have no time for anything. And I’m hypothesizing that after I’m done with undergrad in less then a month I’ll still have no time because I’ll be working at least one job (probably two) this summer.

Even with no time though I’ve slowly started to learn that I’m at my happiest when I’m writing fiction or for my blog, sorry but essays don’t cut it. I’m embracing my inner writer. I don’t worry about what’s going on around me (even though I usually write during class, but don’t tell my professors that) and I just focus on the words on the page.

There’s this quote that goes a little like this:

When can you start calling yourself a writer?

It’s hard to pinpoint who actually said that first but I never took that advice seriously until I read an article on The Write Life (there’s a link to the specific article at the bottom of the post). It was an ingenious article. I’ve always called myself a writer. But there’s a difference between a writer and a writer.

If you don’t understand, let me explain by offering my definitions:
A writer:

A Person who partakes in the act of writing as a hobby but can also include a person who is seeking to one day become published or famous.

A writer:

A person who is actively seeking an agent to publish a work and/or enjoys writing and can accurately call it their career.

Now, I’m no where to the point of being a writer just yet. Maybe one day I wish to be there. But for now I just enjoy channelling my inner writer because that’s what helps me stay sane in these outrageous years called college and will probably help me after I graduate from college as well.
So my little advice for this post is when you have no time make some to channel your inner writer and just let the words flow like it was your job.

The Write Life Article: http://thewritelife.com/call-yourself-a-writer/


The Anxiety of Ambiguity

I once had a teacher tell me that intelligence is the tolerance of ambiguity. I agree with that statement. However, I see myself as an intelligent person but sometimes I can’t tolerate ambiguity at all. I’m good at tolerating it in classes and books but I have a hard time tolerating ambiguity in real life.

For example, I don’t like to keep guessing in relationships. But does anyone find joy in ambiguity of emotional relationships? Probably not. I’d rather someone just tell me that they don’t like me then have them lead me on unintentionally.

I also don’t like ambiguity in plans. I like to know what we are eating for dinner, who is making it, and when it will be served. I like to know where we are going as a group as well. When I’m in a group of people and they can’t decide on what to do, I also get annoyed.

Sometimes my annoyance turns so far as to anxiety. It’s not intentional but it’s one of those things I just don’t like. I’m sure there are other people out there that also don’t like ambiguity in certain situations.

But going back to my first statement that intelligence is the tolerance of ambiguity. I still always agree with that statement. The reason I say that is because I see evidence in the statement itself. I’m able to tolerate ambiguity in an academic setting but not so much a social or emotional setting and to be honest those are my two week suits where I’m not as intelligent.

Ambiguity is in the world around us and it’s seen everyday. Being able to tolerate it takes time and sometimes a push in the right direction. But, I think I’ll always face some sort of anxiety when faced with way too much ambiguity in one sitting.